What is that?!

Not a complete sentence, that’s for sure.   I get what they mean, but I don’t understand why they can’t be complete sentences.  It drives me nuts.

Let’s just hope that this trip is more of this:

And less of this:

Staying out drinking and dancing until 4 a.m. with a group of Asians you met at a bar is fun until you get home at 5 a.m. and realize you have to get up in an hour to catch your flight.  Rough.  I also hope I don’t get the flu this time.  Going to be chewing Airborne like it’s going out of style.

2.  I’m terrified of starting my new job.  I have to pass tests and perform at 85% of the average sales just to graduate from training.  It’s going to be intense and it scares the crap out of me.  I said I wanted a challenge, and I definitely got one.  Wish me luck.

3. I’m also really sad about leaving my current job.  I started working there in 2008, when there were only 4 other people working there.  My boss sold the company last year and took a step back,  so it’s mostly just been the 4 of us, with our boss visiting from CO every few weeks.  They’ve kind of been like my family here, and it’s going to be really hard to leave them behind.

4. I spent all my productive time this weekend cleaning out my desk drawers, going through receipts, and sorting through my records.  I’m such an adult sometimes.  The rest of the time I spent on the couch, stuffing my face with unsatisfying, healthy food.  Boo.  GIVE ME CHEESE OR GIVE ME A REALLY TASTY ALTERNATIVE.

5. Emus ingest stones, glass shards and bits of metal to grind food in the digestive system.  WTH, Emus?!

6. I love the internet.

That, of course, is basketball.  It’s kind of a big deal.  Maybe you’ve heard of us?   If you happen to be out of touch and/or uninterested in NCAA basketball (so sad for you), just ask these folks:

This funny guy knows where it’s at.

This dude comes to hang out once in a while.

And this guy could barely contain his excitement over one of our wins last year.  Look how happy he is…right?

Anyway, I went to my first game this week.  It was amazing.  I don’t know how other colleges do the whole home game thing, but it’s definitely a big deal here.  There are fireworks.  Inside.  There are short dance parties.  There are special banners and a hundred different chants.  It’s a big event.  This week’s game against Arkansas was dunkalicious:

BROW DOWN!

I had always been afraid of going to the games because I get really agitated in crowds and the sounds of a basketball game drive me insane, plus getting a ticket is really difficult.  A friend texted me Tuesday asking me to tag along with her right after I found out that I got the job, and I thought it would be a great way to celebrate.  Even though we were all the way at the top of the arena and squeezed in a with a bunch of strangers, the atmosphere was so amazing that none of it bothered me.  We had a great view of the game, despite the height, and we were far enough that I didn’t have to hear any of the squeaking shoes or whistle blowing nonsense.  Plus, being at the game you don’t have to suffer through ridiculous commentating.  Win!

We’re ranked number two right now and I’m ready for a boss finish to the season.  See you all in the Final Four!

This goofy-looking pale kid, that’s who!

Feel free to be jealous of my mouse hat.

1.  My entire body hurts like I actually did things this weekend. Incorrect, body. Unless you count priming myself with a marathon binge eating fest before following up with binge drinking. Although, I guess you could techinically count those drunken handstands I did… It probably doesn’t help that I was too lazy to take my arthritis meds yesterday. Sometimes you just don’t want to open 7 bottles. Also, I don’t appreciate the irony of my arthritis medication coming in bottles that I can’t open most of the time. How many times do I have to ask for easy-open bottles?! I usually put everything in my pill box, but sometimes I’m just too lazy to make all that effort.

Evil top.

2.  I love winter. I love the snow. I hate being hot and sweating, so summer is basically a form of torture. Plus, when it’s cold outside and you have to bundle up in 7 layers, no one has to know how chubby you actually are. Win in my book.

3.  I spend approximately 90% of my time on the internet. This is bad. I always get confused about why other people get so much more done than I do, but then I realize it’s because I’m basically glued to my computer any time I’m not asleep. Gotta work on that.

Everyone loves computers.

4.  Nutrisystem is mostly terrible. My friends gave me a pretty large supply of it because they ordered it and didn’t like it. Let me tell you, it’s pretty awful. No celebrity would ever eat this. Also, the portions are whack. I have to eat two of the lunches to really get enough food in. Or a dinner and a lunch. 130 calories isn’t going to keep me full for very long. That’s not lunch, that’s a damn snack. I don’t know why people would spend so much money on this, especially since you still have to go buy vegetables and bread and crap.

Blegh.

5.  I told a guy on the phone at work today that we were based in Lexington, Kentucky, and he said “Oh, so you’re in the midwest.” Um, what? We’re one state away from the east coast, in what kind of way is that anywhere near “West”? What is wrong with the labeling of parts of the country?! I dated a guy from Ohio last year, and he always talked about life in the “midwest”. I’d barely even call Ohio “Mideast”! Straighten up, Census Bureau!  This shit just don’t make sense.

NO. INCORRECT.

6.  I can’t stop falling asleep on the couch at night. It’s terrible.

I made it my mission in life to get whitegirlwasted last night.  I don’t know what that means really, but I read it on the internet and I like saying it.  For me it apparently means climbing on top of a refrigerator and letting friends draw mongeese on you.

You thought I was joking.

The plural of mongoose is mongooses, which I think is dumb.  Getting whitegirlwasted also means that you have to dip hot cheetos in ranch dressing.  Or you could just do that sober because it tastes like sex and unicorn glitter rainbows.  Unless you have some kind of issue with being a disgusting fatty.  I, obviously, do not.

I spent last weekend knocking on death’s door, begging to be let in and hacking up/leaking mucus.  That was a good time.  The worst part of RA treatment (and there are many terrible parts) is that you’re pretty much screwed when cold/flu season rolls around.  I was basically sick from January through March last year.  First bronchitis, then the flu, then the flu again, and then bronchitis again.  It was a sweet 3 months.

I got a trainer for my bike so I can ride it inside when the outside is terrible.  That will pretty much ensure that I never actually take my bike outside again.

It also means that I have a giant obstacle in the middle of my tiny living room because putting it away every day seems like a lot of effort.  Also, this way I can just hop on for random, short bursts of exercise.  Go ahead and pretend that my apartment isn’t disgusting.

I’m really proud of myself because I’ve successfully kept myself from repeating any of this madness in the new year:

Look at them crazy, busted-up albino legs.  And what an awkward pose/angle.  I promise I don’t have Yoda legs.  They aren’t normal human sized, but they’re at least longer than my arms.  My thighs are about as ginormous as they seem and those bruises were much worse in real life.  Alcohol is not always your friend.  Oh, New Year’s Eve Eve.  Perhaps the worst day ever.

I have a job interview this week.  Pray I get it so I can resume my hobby of baking deliciousness/steadily increasing my cellulite population.  Also because I figured out that my company didn’t withhold federal taxes for approximately 60% of the year.  Um, thanks, assholes.  Nothing like having to pay hundreds of dollars in taxes when you’re only working part-time and can’t afford to buy ramen.

The bare bones of this post have been waiting to be filled in for a month.  I finally found enough energy (despite the fact that I have apparently contracted some illness) to finish it.  So, without further ado, here it is:

How to be poor (and not fail miserably at life):

Step 1: Identify necessary and unnecessary expenses.

Pretty straightforward.  For instance, I cancelled my Netflix subscription the day I was fired from my second job.  Internet stayed, because I knew I’d be suicidal without it.  Limit extraneous trips in the car to keep gas expenses down.  Use a bicycle or walk to get to places that are close enough.  Don’t leave unnecessary appliances on or plugged in, and cut down on HVAC usage to keep energy costs down.

Pumpkin Scones

Step 2: Make the best of what you have.

All of these pictures are examples of me scrounging to make whatever I could from ingredients that I had on hand.  That happens to be a specialty of mine.  The same goes for other things around the house.  I made some of my own Christmas decorations and presents instead of buying new things.  This is also a good time to get to cleaning/rearranging your house, which might turn up some things you have new use for.

Single servings of corn pudding and broccoli/cauliflower/carrot/cheese casserole

Step 3: Don’t be afraid to accept help.

In America, there is a widespread taboo about poor people and government assistance.  Despite hitting several rough patches throughout my childhood, my mother raised me not to accept handouts, something that I struggle with to this day (it’s hard to go on dates when you have deep-seated guilt about letting someone buy you dinner).  When I lost my job, I didn’t have a choice.  I didn’t go around begging, but I did learn about the options available to me as a citizen of a democracy.  I also had a lot of unsolicited aid from friends and family (why, yes, I’d love your case of expired Ramen Noodles!)

Caramel fried apples

Step 4: Get to work!

The best tool you have at your disposal is yourself.  It’s up to you to get yourself on the right track, no matter how difficult it may be.  Touch up your résumé, apply for jobs, learn new skills, look for things to sell, utilize skill sets you already have to work for you, find what makes you happy, etc.  Stay focused.  If you don’t, you can end up in a whirlwind of sadness and despair.  Good things will happen if you continue to put in the effort.

Gingerbread cookies (click for recipe)

Step 5: Don’t let your health slip.

It’s hard to worry about your health when you have so much else on your plate, but it’s the last thing you want to let go.  How much harder is it going to be to find a new job (or whatever) if you’re not feeling your best because you put your personal health on the back burner?  Well-balanced nutrition is hard to keep up when you don’t have much money to spend, but it can be done.  Find ways to improve cheap food.  I use the basic Ramen Noodle packets, but toss out the sodium-bomb packets, drain the initial boiling water, add more water and some frozen vegetables, then add my own seasonings and let it meld for a few minutes.  Cheap and awesome.  And don’t forget exercise!  The stress/depression/anxiety of being broke may make you feel sluggish, but exercise will ultimately make you feel better.  Exercise is proven to improve mood and energy, a free boost that you definitely enjoy in times of need.

Step 6: Get a new routine.

For me this included many things: new health routine, new shopping routine, new work routine, new home routine,  and new social routine.  This step is kind of  a combination of every step, but it’s important on its own.  I couldn’t live without my prescriptions, so I shopped around for the lowest prices I could get without insurance.  I couldn’t afford to spend the normal amount on groceries, so I found the cheapest overall store.  I switched from mostly fresh foods to more shelf-stable foods, saving me gas from frequent store trips.  I cut back on going out and found cheaper ways to spend time with friends, and I didn’t let my feelings get hurt if they did things without me because I couldn’t afford them.  You have be adaptable to your situation, or else you’ll flounder under the pressure.

Step 7: Get over it.

Being poor is never easy, but moping around because you’re sad about it isn’t going to change anything.  It’s up to you to live your life to the fullest, no matter what’s bringing you down.  Positivity and a smile can get you a long way (or at least a free drink).

I’ve had a draft for a post sitting around for nearly a month.  I can’t bring myself to do much of anything.  I’ve been overwhelmed by this impenetrable fatigue for what feels like forever, falling asleep on the couch every night by 10:30 at the latest.

But no more!  I’m so relieved to have 2011 and all its horrors behind me, I’m hoping that my motivation for change will be enough to catapult me out of my fog.

2011 went out with a bang (mostly to my knees).  It was a perfectly terrible ending to a perfectly emotional whore of a year.  2012 came in with welcome relief and amazing friends.  I’m currently working on my list of goals for 2012.

Here’s to an excellent year for everyone!  Let’s hope it doesn’t suck.

I love Christmas.  My grandparents brought me a 4.5′ pre-lit tree, my very first personal Christmas tree.  I decorated it with the lights I already had in my bedtoom and some paper ornaments.  We be runnin’ low on the funds this year.

Before then, I had made this little tree out of card stock and decorated it with rhinestones.  Now it’s sitting next to my “Candy Shop” gingerbread house, which has a rotating multi-colored light.

I love cute ornaments, so I’ve been hanging these for the past couple of years.  I hung them before I got the tree, so they’re up to stay.  I figure the tree has enough stuff on it. You can also see one of the presents my grandparents brought.  Because they couldn’t wait until the 17th to actually see me open them in person.  Don’t ask me to explain my family.

These cool dudes sit on the bookshelf next to the door.  I got the nutcracker at a performance of The Nutcracker when I was 7.  He’s my Christmas love, even though he has a creepy ‘stache.

A Tiny Apartment Christmas.

Now it’s time to appease this little monster:

She’s abandoned her posts on the bed and under the tree to beg for attention.

A few weeks ago, out of nowhere, I was fired for the first time ever.  This means I currently only have 1 part-time job and very little money.  I’m making enough to get by, but just barely.  Obviously, this means that I’ll be doing significantly less in the kitchen, at least less interesting things.  I’m going to try to keep posting something here on a regular basis, though it may get (even more) random.

That said, I do have a recipe to share.  I made this bread in October and it was absolutely delicious, but I was too excited/lazy to take pictures.  I mean…it looks like pumpkin bread, so just use your imagination.

Pumpkin Bread (adapted from this recipe)

• 1/2 (15 ounce) can pumpkin puree
• 1 eggs
• 1/3 cup vegetable oil
• 3 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons water
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 cup and 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1/8 teaspoon ground ginger

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease one 7×3 inch loaf pan.

In a large bowl, mix together pumpkin puree, eggs, oil, water and sugar until well blended. In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves and ginger. Stir the dry ingredients into the pumpkin mixture until just blended. Pour into the prepared pan.